Monday, March 31, 2003, 01:56 p.m.
I've just finished watching "Boku no Ikirumichi" played by Tsuyoshi Kusanagi and Akiko Yada and several other young stars, including Hiroki Uchi of Kanjani Jr.
Strange, it's supposed to a sad dorama... because Tsuyopon's character, Nakamura Hideo knows he is going to die, and all the events in his life after he finds out about his sickness have changed him tremendously... but when I was watching it, I cried not for the fact that he was going to die, but I cried because I admired his character's personality. His decision to live his fullest until the last day of his life. And one of the words Nakamura Hideo said made me realize how precious life is:
BOKU WA IKITAI. I WANT TO LIVE.
I was a person who several times attempted to choose death as a way to solve my problems. At those times, I hurt myself terribly - both physically and mentally. I was in pain for the longest time. At one point I thought I wasn't going to be able to get up and live again. My family was supportive but they also suffered a lot. I used to blame them for what happened to me. Why I was like that, and why I did that. My family was a scapegoat.
Now, I've changed my way of thinking totally. This dorama has affected me so much. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life. I believe now that my life has a purpose, and that I should continue to live.
YES, I WANT TO LIVE.
I want to live for myself.
I don't mean it in a selfish way, but it is true what many people have said to me: "first you must think about yourself - learn to appreaciate and love yourself before others because when you can't appreciate and love yourself, you won't be able to do that to others".
Junnosuke Taguchi said that the most important things for him are "JINSEI" and "JIBUN" ("life" and "self").
Adrien Alla (my French tutor in Australia) once said to me that whatever I do in my life, I have to be able to make myself happy first... because only then can I feel happy about everything else.
And that Hideo Nakamura from the dorama implied that each and everyone of us should choose the way of life that we see fit for ourselves.
Now that I've learned all that through other people, and even fiction, I have decided that I want to continue living as myself, for myself... but
NOT BY MYSELF.
I want to able to make myself a happy person, so that I can also share my happiness with everyone else.
I know it won't be easy feeling happy everyday. I don't think I can ever be a person who's like that for every single day of my life... I'm not exactly a happy-go-lucky person. But now I have
OPTIMISM and CONFIDENCE. I'm optimistic that tomorrow will be better than today. I'm confident that one day in the future my life will be even better than how it is now.
I hope everyone in this world can also find their meaning of life and have a smile on their faces when they realize it. Maybe some have already found it, and some other haven't. For those who have, they should be very content, because they know what they want and what they do in their lives. For those who haven't,
well... life goes on. All they have to do is live it. And it will come to them
eventually.
LET'S LIVE!
